News Of The Night

Should have listened to me when I said it was a bad idea. But you just had to have it your way and do what you want. Now your wonderfully planned night out has become a circus and you find yourself in the company of an absolute clown.

I should just walk away and let you learn your lesson. You know me better than that though, and I couldn’t just turn away a dear friend.

Anyone can just leave of course. As the “anyone” in question also knows, leaving leads to awkward times after the fact. Fielding questions and avoiding places, coming up with excuses if you see them again. It’s not a fun time dealing with people that have their heart set on you and you not feeling it for them, and some folks do struggle to tell it like it is.

No. What you need to do is you need to flip the script and make them avoid you like the plague instead of the other way around. What follows are some tips and tricks I’ve learned over the years to make people never want to be near me. They worked for me, they might also work for you.

1. Washing your hair.
   You might think that this is only an excuse for trying to get out of going in the first place. Not so! What you do is excuse yourself to the bathroom and soak your hair and then lather it up with soap from the hand dispenser. Get it real good and frothy, work up a fantastic lather. Come back out and sit down like it’s no big deal, then ask the wait staff if they have any conditioner and towels handy. Look your date in the eyes, and with the most serious and deadly look, inform them that if anything interrupts your routine you would go absolutely insane.
   
2. Strike up a conversation with everyone around you.
   I don’t mean introduce yourself to random people like “Hi. I’m ******.” No. I mean strike up a conversation with them like you’ve known them your whole life. If you hear someone mention Sandra or Peter at the table next to you, turn to them and just jump in. “I heard Sandra was heading to the mountains this winter on a ski trip. She’s always dreamed about going you know.” They don’t know, but they will soon.
   
3. Wave and call out loudly to everyone that walks in.
   The most common name in America right now for women is Mary, and the most common name for men is Michael. Using that, you very well might get it right. Just yell out loudly to whoever walks in and get excited to see them.
   
4. Inform the wait staff you’ll need an order to go.
   You should probably tell your date first that you didn’t bring any money so you won’t be paying for any of it. Let them know matter as a matter of fact that you want them to pay the entire bill and they will not be compensated. If they don’t agree, make a big deal of it. If they do, smile and then inform the server that you will need an order to go for your spouse. I can’t think of anyone this wouldn’t upset.
   
5. All those personalities and none of them good.
   Release your inner actor/actress and just go all out. Every few moments switch it up to something else. Give your best British slang a try and then switch it out to L.A. Street punk. Feel free to occasionally start speaking in a made up language. If they point out your erratic behavior, turn it around and accuse them of being strange.
   
6. Laughter is the best medicine.
   You ever hear a donkey bray? Get on that level. Go all out every time they say something and make whatever they say to you into the biggest joke you have ever heard. Transmission troubles in a rental? Hilarious. Knee surgery in college? Laugh riot. Don’t worry about if anyone is staring at you because they will be, and they’ll be looking at them as well. How embarrassing would that be?
   
7. What’s your sign?
   Most people know what astrological sign they were born under and that’s about the extent of it. Take it a step further and talk about nothing else. If they try to change topics, steer it back to astrology. Talk about it nonstop and over whatever they’re trying to say. Even if you don’t know what you are talking about, just make it up as you go along. Get offended if they try and call you out on it, and then just start talking about astrology again.
   
8. Mother / Father Knows best.
   Treat them like children and don’t hold back. Order their meal off the children’s menu if available, but in general, just order for them. Order the adult stuff, including alcohol, for yourself. Reach over there and cut their food into bite size bits. Inform them that everything you do is for their own good. If they get upset, start crying and saying that they don’t respect all the hard work you do.

After this, if they don’t go running the other way, then you definitely need to.